


circadian rhythm

by slingshot



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied Cheating, Inception AU, M/M, One Shot, flight log references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 04:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13494950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slingshot/pseuds/slingshot
Summary: jinyoung starts appearing in jaebum’s dreams when the real him goes off grid in the living world. jaebum will do everything to get him back, even going to limbo where jinyoung is trapped.





	circadian rhythm

**Author's Note:**

> I want you to find me, and save me   
> My dreams and all the things I endlessly wanted are becoming old friends 
> 
> \- Mayday, GOT7

Bang Chan knows Jinyoung. But only the dream projection of Jinyoung that is, because the real Jinyoung is lying in coma halfway around the world.

New to dream sharing, Jaebum’s team had taken Chan under their wing. He had fit right in as their architect with Bambam, the forger, and Yugyeom, the chemist, on the team. However, every time they were in Jaebum’s dream, one of Jaebum’s projections would be present.

In the many dream encounters he has with the projection, Chan vividly remembers the first time he notices that projection during a mission in a mark’s militarized mind.

In Jaebum’s dream, the mark’s militarized mind results in dream security in the form of burly guards armed with rifles hunting down their extraction team. Chan sprints down street, ducking flying bullets and leaping over cars as the dream security gives chase. 

He manages to lose all but one tail.

Chan rounds about a street corner when he hears the guard running behind him grunt in pain and the sound of a body being hit. He turns around in time to spot young woman in a short, purple schoolgirl uniform inspired dress send a roundhouse kick to the disoriented guard. Her white trainer connects to his solar plexus in one swift move.

The matching purple bow sat atop of her long, flowing black hair bounces at the same time. The guard promptly collapses in a heap. Her dress hitches up, revealing black safety shorts.

Chan averts his eyes.

The young woman huffs, blowing upwards at her bangs. Cheeks flushed with peach pink lips, she looks exactly like an idol on a music programme with her outfit.

Maybe Jaebum likes girl groups with cute concepts, Chan ponders.

He does not know much about his mentor’s personal life outside of work. If Jaebum’s defense projections are girl group members, Chan could live with this quirk.

The shouts of more guards headed towards their direction rouses him from his thoughts. Chan is further surprised when the young woman lifts one side of her safety shorts up to reveal a black garter holster. She takes out a Glock 43, getting ready in defense position. 

“Go. I’ll fend them off.” The deep voice throws Chan off but he does not have time to think much, making away in his escape to get to the mission objective. 

In hindsight, the Adam’s apple should have indicated to him the identity of the ‘girl’. 

They are on another mission at ballroom party the mark frequented when Chan casually glances upwards at the second floor and spies a man in suit nuzzling Jaebum in an intimate manner. Jaebum’s face is relaxed and his eyes are full of adoration, a contrast to his usual apathetic expression or frowns on missions.

The man’s palms gently hold Jaebum’s face, his own face inches away from Jaebum’s. His lips move and Jaebum seems to be listening intently. 

Chan feels like he is intruding in their tender moment, a stranger unwelcome to privacy. But he cannot resist watching, knowing how unprofessional Jaebum is acting. The man does not resemble their mark, thus it must be one of Jaebum’s projections since they were in _Jaebum’s_ dream.

He catches the eye of the man in the suit by accident and the moment is broken. Chan furrows his brow in confusion. He knows those intelligent eyes. 

Usually, if you manage to stare long enough into the pupils of a projection without alerting the mark or the dreamer, you would notice that they all had the identical hollow, vacant look in their eyes. 

The image of a feisty young woman in a purple dress fills his mind. By the time Chan looks up again, Jaebum notices him and pulls away the man’s hands by his wrists. Jaebum leans forward to whisper something into the man’s ear before striding away. 

So, it was the same projection. 

Chan could feel the man in the suit studying him nonchalantly from above, as Chan continues his disguise through the crowded ballroom. Out of the corner of his eye, a fight breaks out. Chan thinks the man would render help similarly like the last time, but the man stays rooted to the second floor quietly observing the chaos.

Once Chan recognises Jaebum’s projection, he realizes how frequent the man appears in their mission. Sometimes the projection supports them in defense against dream security, and other times, he remains objectively neutral.

Chan assumed this was customary in dream sharing, to have a one constant projection in your dreams. Until the last mission when they had Nichkhun, a point man, on an elaborate extraction. 

The extraction was going smoothly up till Jaebum’s projection stepped out of the shadows and cornered Chan. He was clad in a loud, printed bomber jacket, complete with multiple metal ring earrings. His flashy outfit was similar to what Bambam would normally wear in the waking world. 

“Chan, is it?” The projection purrs. 

Caught off-guard, Chan stumbles backwards towards the brick wall of a building. He may have interacted with this projection prior to this but hearing him say his name was especially jarring. The projection steps closer, a dangerous glint in his eyes. 

Chan knows something is off. 

“Have you ever loved someone?” He whispers, low enough for Bang Chan to pick it up.

The projection tilts his chin, half-lidded orange eye shadow painted eyes gaze at him. Locked in the projection’s gaze, Chan stands frozen with his heart beating fast against his chest when the projection reaches out to touch a lock of his silver dyed hair. 

Chan’s eyes dart wildly. He regains his senses and steps back cautiously just before his back hits the wall. 

“Jinyoung, what are you doing here?” 

Nichkhun’s dismayed voice breaks the tension. Jinyoung stops in his steps and turns, catching sight of Jaebum and Nichkhun jogging up to them. Chan breathes a sigh of relief.

“Do you trust him? Jaebum?” Jinyoung ignores their presence.

Wait, Nichkhun knows the name of Jaebum’s projection? Puzzled, Chan lets his guard down for a second.

“You shouldn’t.”

Before Chan can answer, Jinyoung shoots him in the face.

 

-

 

He first awakes on the shores of consciousness, face full of sand and body partially submerged. The cerulean waves rock mildly against him, guiding his body to the higher part of the shoreline. Seawater drips down his face, eyes stinging and shivering in the cold.

He pushes himself up slowly, gathering his mind and regaining control of the rest of his body. He sits on the back of his heels, kneeling in the sand. 

The last thing he remembers was that he was trapped, in a glass tank filled with water. The suffocating feeling makes him takes deep breaths, feeling the glorious oxygen rush into his lungs now. But there is a greater overwhelming feeling of failure inside him.

Had he failed?

It consumes him. He does not know why he is greatly saddened by this feeling of failure. Subsequently, he lets out a cry. He cannot distinguish between the tears or salty seawater on his face. 

He is the only being in the boundless stretch of the beach.

He does not know where or who he is. He only knows loneliness.

In the vast emptiness of Limbo, unconstructed dream space, he builds with the remnants of his imagination.

Among a derelict and abandoned city, he builds an apartment. Sparsely furnished, the small apartment has the fridge stocked with kimchi. Did he like that food before? He thinks he might have but he is not too sure.

Fuzziness occupies his mind more than he likes.

The apartment might have been his home, no, house at one point. He does not know. This was just the first thing that he recalled. 

He had settled in comfortably till he finds a lengthy strand of hair on the floor that definitely did not belong to him. The discomforting telltale signs of a faint, red lipstick smudge on the inner rim of a mug, the floral notes of perfume on the sheets that smelled _wrong_.

The details are all wrong. His gut screams in alarm.

His first reaction was to destroy the apartment in rage, just as easily as he had built it. Nevertheless, rage is good. It meant that he feels something other than emptiness inside. There was something he believed had to be changed. 

The apartment certainly was important to him. Yet, he still has no idea.

He is running, on a path enshrouded by fog, to the point where he does not know where the path began and where it leads.

Confusion surrounds him. 

He follows his first instinct and he runs, runs away until the terrain gradually changes.

 

-

  

“Do you know a Jinyoung?”

Chan had woken up in their lab with the rest of the team, gasping for air after staring death in the face. He still has not gotten used to the method of waking up: shooting himself in dreams. Let alone being shot by someone else in the face.

(Jaebum still refuses to give him answers for what happened). 

“I heard you guys ran into Jaebum’s projection of him in his dream?” 

Chan nods, “Jaebum gets touchy when I try to ask him.”

“They were the best duo, “ Mark sighs, “at least this side of the continent." 

“They were partners?” Chan stares at their point man, intrigued by this information.

“More than that.” Mark fishes out his phone, showing Chan a photo of Jinyoung and then another of the couple together.

The eyes of the solemn projection stares back at Chan. In contrast, Jaebum looked much happier in the photo than the man Chan currently knows.

“They had the really big fight, that’s what I could gather. I don’t know the details. Jaebum doesn’t share much and I don’t dig.”

“Where is Jinyoung now?” 

“He left our team. I haven’t heard of him since. He literally disappeared off the face of earth a year ago. We don’t know if he’s dead or alive.” Mark shakes his head in resignation.

The truth of the situation dawns onto Chan. 

“Jaebum, he’s…. in denial. That’s why, the projections of him popping up. Jaebum must’ve felt guilty towards him.”

On the other note, Nichkun’s face was thunderous. He was known to be a gentle soul yet he was enraged over the mistake during the mission. His lips pursed in to a thin line and thick brows creasing together in a frown. Chan was terrified

After the job, he had taken Jaebum aside, speaking to him in low tones.

Chan had stayed back after the job as usual, studying more about dream sharing. He had noticed the muffled sounds in the other room and stealthily crept over to peek.

And that is the first time he sees Jaebum cry.

 

-

 

He builds a small farmhouse next, a wooden building surrounded by idyllic fields of green in the middle of nowhere. Inside, he decorates it with gingham print and lace coverings over wooden furniture. He feels much more comfortable here compared to the apartment.  

His shelves fill with psychological volumes, Freud’s books and fictional novels. He opens the hard cover of one of the novels and a single handwritten scrawl prefaces it.

 _Jinyoung, Jinyoung, Jinyoung._  

It resonates with him strongly within. It must be his name, he thinks.

In another book, he finds a torn photo with him smiling in it. Ripped into half, the photo leaves only Jinyoung’s face visible while he has his arm wrapped around someone. He must have been with a person who made him happy. 

At the moment, happiness feels so foreign for him.

He hated the way his wrinkles around his eyes crinkled in the photo. It made him older than he looked. The person must have meant something to him.

Alas, Jinyoung cannot recall who the person in the photo is.

 

-

 

They were fighting again. 

If you were to ask Jaebum what was his last memory of Jinyoung, he would say them fighting. Verbally sparring, giving the cold shoulder, poisonous words and nobody backed down. Their spats went from bad to worse. 

No matter what, Jaebum could never leave him. 

Jaebum lives in faded memories now of Jinyoung after he left. Jaebum tried to find him in their safe houses around world, looked up his contacts. Surely, Jinyoung would still be in the dream sharing business.

Yet, no one has heard of a sound of Jinyoung.

Jinyoung had vanished one day after a particularly bad fight, packed his things and left no trace of him in their apartment. The guilt had followed Jaebum like a shadow, the loneliness lingering on his skin where Jinyoung’s fingers once playfully danced across.

The apartment felt so much emptier without Jinyoung. They had been together long enough to share a house and know each other’s habits. The bed felt too big and cold for one person and Jaebum misses the lack of background noise from the television when Jinyoung caught up on his drama serials and foreign films.

The bookshelf mocked him with their combined collections of books they had lovingly curated. Jaebum remembers their happier times when they could go for months without arguing. He wonders when was the last time he made Jinyoung happy.

Jaebum knows what went wrong but it is too late for regret. 

He tried seeking solace in other people, seeking replacement for what he had abruptly lost. Ultimately, Jaebum knows it is no use for he is still looking for that one person.

Jinyoung’s absence creeps into his mind, even in his dreams, manifesting into projections during missions. Maybe because it is the only time he could physically see and hold his Jinyoung. 

Was it obsession on his end? 

“Do you know how dangerous it is to have a Shade?” Nichkhun snarls. “Your projection of Jinyoung endangered the mission. It nearly cost the kid, Chan’s, life.”

“The next time, it could be any one of us. Even yours, Jaebum.” Nichkhun’s warning rings loud and clear.

Jaebum had thrown himself back in the field without care, burning through many missions and taking as much work as possible. He would complete a mission in Seoul, fly out to Singapore for a job, then hop on the fastest flight out to receive his next assignment in San Paulo.

He had some hope that being all over the globe would increases his chances of bumping into Jinyoung or having news about him. Even so, there was no word. 

Being busy meant that he would not dwell on thoughts of Jinyoung. Nonetheless, putting a plaster over an untreated wound does not effectively guarantee it would be healed.

Jaebum goes to San Francisco as soon as he could when he received the call from Youngjae with news about Jinyoung. 

“Limbo.” Youngjae’s murmured, voice shaking through the phone.

Jinyoung had joined a new team out of the blue half way across the world, charging much lower than he usually did as a point man. The mission was three levels deep into dream space and Jinyoung had been shot. Thus, slipping into Limbo.

One of the extractors explained, “The dream was collapsing and he yelled ‘Just go’ to us.” 

Jaebum narrows his eyes at him. “Didn’t I ask you about his whereabouts months ago?”

“Jinyoung offered us more of his share to keep quiet about it.”

Jaebum blinks hard, schooling his features and masking his emotions.

Why did you resurface after months of no news to join a team that you barely knew and agreed to a mission so dangerous, Jaebum thinks, casting a glance at the pale, unconscious man in the cot.

His stomach fell and his knees had nearly given way when he first saw Jinyoung in this state. Desperation had been clawing inside him all this while. But nothing prepared him for seeing Jinyoung in the flesh. He wanted to see him but not like this. 

Jaebum reaches out for Jinyoung’s slack fingers and clasps them, interlocking with his own fingers. He gingerly kisses the Jinyoung’s knuckles.

“I’m sorry.” Jaebum whispers.

He apologises profusely, but Jinyoung still lays motionless. The words come to him naturally, saying ‘Sorry’ became a habit of his. Even, when they were still together. He had taken this all for granted. 

Jaebum berates himself for not looking harder. He could have prevented this.

The awkward shuffling in the room signaled that the rest had arrived too.  

“You know they said once he wakes up, he might not be the same person he was before.” Yugyeom says wearily.

“ I have to do this. It’s the only way to get him back.” Jaebum snaps.

Someone once told him: ‘If you love someone, you have let them go’. However, this is the only way Jinyoung could be saved or his mind will be lost forever. With dream time multiplied through each level, hours in the living world would mean decades in Limbo.

“Jaebum, Limbo is dangerous for you too. You’ll lose sight of what is real. Your mind might stay there. “

 _Given your relationship with Jinyoung_ , goes unspoken.

“Cobb’s team did it.” Jaebum is still defiant.

They were wasting time debating about this, Jaebum frets. Jaebum had to go into Limbo. He was willing to give himself in exchange for Jinyoung.

“Cobb’s team pulled off Inception.” Mark reminds him gently. 

“You know what, we’ll go along with you. It’s safer this way. Jinyoung was our friend too.”

Jaebum knows he needs to right his wrongs, he never meant to put jinyoung through this. 

Before they go under, Jaebum presses a tender kiss Jinyoung’s forehead.

 

-

 

Jinyoung finds a cat hunting mice among the fields while he was tending to his crops. The scruffy thing was not the most pleasant looking, with a clipped ear, bobbed tail. The short hair Calico had orange and black stark patches against its white fur. 

However, the most striking feature it had was the two perfectly circular dots above its left eye akin to moles on a human face. The cat had decided to adopt Jinyoung as it trotted after him back to the farmhouse.

Guess I could use some company, since there’s no one, Jinyoung thinks.

“What shall I name you?” The cat stares back at him with its unblinking green eyes. 

A word comes to his mind.

“Beom.” 

“Beom-ah.” Jinyoung repeats, voice low. The cat seemed to agree as it nudges his hand with its furry head. Jinyoung pets the purring cat.

Beom took to domesticated life with no qualms. Jinyoung would find it sleeping near the strawberry beds, hiding from sun under the shade of the leaves and rubbing his fur with the soil.

Beom hops onto the counter one morning where Jinyoung has freshly plucked strawberries cut and washed in a wooden bowl. He starts sniffing at the bowl, inching his face closer.

“I’m not sure if you can eat this…” Jinyoung says empathetically. 

Jinyoung takes one strawberry and holds it by the leaves for Beom to smell. Beom opens his jaws and chomps down on the tip of the fruit in one bite. He licks the ensuing juice dripping with his paws, staining his white muzzle red.

Jinyoung laughs for the first time in Limbo.

 

-

 

“Why is Jinyoung’s mind so hostile to us?” Bambam asks as their getaway vehicle careens down the highway, fleeing from projections in cars chasing behind them. 

Jaebum suspects this is just the tip of the iceberg. They were going into Jinyoung’s dynamic unconscious, where mental processes are inaccessible yet able to influence judgments, feelings and behavior.

Of course, uncovering the bigger submerged part of the iceberg came with its dangers. Even a saint is not responsible for what happens in his dreams.

“Its just Jaebum.” Mark replies. 

“And we’re collateral?” Bambam’s voice goes louder, incredulous.

Mark nods.

“Jesus Christ.”

Bambam accepts his fate, clutching onto the cases of PASIV tighter.

They found the trashed apartment; Jaebum had recognized it. It was one of their Seoul apartments. There were pages ripped from books, painting frames damaged and plates smashed.

He knows Jinyoung did this. This was where a few of their last fights were. 

The amount of rage described by the remnants scares Jaebum. The telltale level of destruction swirling under Jinyoung’s normally calm façade was enough to throw them off.

Was this his fault?

Jaebum looks away while the others investigate it.

Jaebum recalls Jinyoung asking a year ago, “Where do you see yourself in 5, no, 10 years?”

“Still in this business. I didn’t know.” Jaebum shrugs

“And you?”

“The countryside, I guess? I always wanted to live there.” Jinyoung sighs contentedly.

“A house, cottage amongst the golden fields where there is not a single soul for miles. Clear blue skies, surrounded by a lush green forest with red fox or two in sight.”

 _You and I._ Jinyoung’s tone implies.

Jaebum wraps his arms around Jinyoung and he does not say more to the topic, for he cannot promise Jinyoung a future. What more, he dares not hope for one.

Jaebum touches his totem, an earring on his left ear. He knows where he needs to go next.

 

-

 

Amongst the fields, Jinyoung finds an abandoned beige caravan toppled over, with its wheels missing and covered in dirt. The broken glass on the ground crunches under his shoe as he tugs open the rusting vehicle door.

A white birdcage with its door open, laid on the shredded seats. Jinyoung could envision how the once occupants of the caravan were like. Somehow, he saw himself in one of those seats while the caravan was moving on the road.

Going even further into the woods that connected to the fields, he spots the pieces of wreckage of a plane. The body of the plane was split up into parts strewn everywhere. A wing flanked the right of Jinyoung as he walked past torn cushioned airplane seats.

Jinyoung steps onto the highest point of the aluminum fragments, surveying the crash. He detects a small reflective object of interest, glinting in the daylight. Jinyoung approaches the object, crouching down to inspect it more.

It was a broken silver camcorder. 

He salvages the camcorder, making the trek back to his warm house with Beom sleeping in front of the fireplace. Jinyoung places the camcorder on the table, watching with rapt attention as a video plays on loop albeit glitching at times. 

Play, pause and rewind.

Jinyoung tries to make sense of the video, taken inside the caravan. To his surprise, he was in the video too. He studies all the faces of the five other people present in the video.

Did Jinyoung know them? 

Jinyoung tries to remember, but he has no recollection of them. Although there is an inkling of familiarity, the vagueness ensues and their identities remain a mystery to him.

Recently, Jinyoung had found a disposable camera on bottom of the bookshelf. He has no inclination towards taking photographs, nor did he feel ownership towards it.

Could it be connected to the camcorder?

 

-

 

Jinyoung jerks awake in his bed to a raging storm outside. The winds howl within the valley amidst the darkness and the temperature dips icily. Booming sounds of thunder rocks the walls of his house. 

Flashes of lightning from outside of the window jolts Jinyoung. Beom scoots closer to him on the bed. Jinyoung strokes his fur, attempting to calm the cat down.

Sudden loud knocking from Jinyoung’s front door makes his heart race. Jinyoung slips out of bed, tightening his robe and grabs his shotgun. Tentatively, he twists the knob. Leaving the door ajar and restrained by the door chain, he eyes the shadowy figure standing on his front porch.

Jinyoung releases the safety lock of his gun. The man shaped figure is illuminated by the flash of the lightning in the distance, displaying his wide shoulders and soaked clothes.

“I’m seeking shelter from the storm.”

 

-

 

The figure was a man who introduced himself as Jaebum. He was not much taller than Jinyoung but he was broader and sharper in aspect. Also, he was bleeding at his side.

Jinyoung’s stomach does a flip when he sneaks a glance at Jaebum drying off the rain. He must have seen this man before but he still has no idea who he is after searching his memories. Jinyoung grimaces.

The man had seemed disappointed when Jinyoung did not recognize him. Half of Jinyoung wants to trust this man but the other half of him is warning him not to.

“I hope you don’t mind cats.” Jinyoung says. 

“A cat?” Jaebum asks, doubtful.

To his knowledge, Jinyoung was never particularly fond of pets. 

“Beom-ah.” Jinyoung calls out. Jaebum promptly chokes. 

Beom slinks out of the shadows, and hisses at Jaebum.

“It’s okay, baby.” Jinyoung coos, gathering the feline in his arms and kissing its furry head.

The irony of the situation was too rich for Jaebum to handle at the moment that he wanted to laugh. Jaebum had to touch his totem again for reassurance. 

Mark and the rest are waiting for us in the upper levels of the dream, he reminds himself. 

Jaebum was gripping onto the roots of his sanity going into Limbo, only to find out that Jinyoung had a projection of him. It strangely gives him satisfaction knowing that he, or at least, a form of him still managed to keep Jinyoung company in the dark recesses of Jinyoung’s mind. 

Khun hyung was right, Jaebum admits witheringly.

Jaebum and Beom eye each other with disdain.

Jinyoung watches as Jaebum pokes around the house, the red flags immediately flashing. Jaebum was touching his bookshelf like it was the most precious thing he has ever seen, fingers gingerly tracing the hardcovers.

Maybe that man liked to read, just like him, Jinyoung thinks.

Jaebum plucks the disposable camera from the shelf, looking through the viewfinder of the camera. He checks for the batteries and the film roll inside in a practiced motion. He hunches down, pressing on the button on top of the camera to take a photo of book lying on a table. 

Jinyoung gets a sense of déjà vu, like he has seen Jaebum do this before. Jinyoung shakes his head, trying to get those thoughts out.

Flipping the dusty and rough browning pages of a worn out novel, Jinyoung is deeply absorbed in the plot of the main character had been cheated on by his lover. The anguish he feels alongside the hollowness of his chest develops into simmering anger.

It felt personal. Jinyoung had an inkling of rage towards Jaebum, for some reason. Originally, Jinyoung was happy here at the farmhouse with Beom, his mundane routine and his books.

Jaebum had arrived and disrupted all of this. 

On the other hand, it made Jinyoung realize how alone he was before, without any human contact for miles and years. Jinyoung’s brows creases, perplexed at the changes he was experiencing.

Jinyoung slowly starts to miss the warmth of another person’s hands on him. Who was Jinyoung before? He starts to crave being near Jaebum, just the bodily intimacy of the closeness between two individuals.   

Jaebum can see the past in Jinyoung’s eyes and the future passing them by when they speak to each other, eye to eye. His heart felt heavy. Even now, he silently savors Jinyoung’s form regardless of activity.

To be able to physically look and have a civil conversation with Jinyoung again made his heart swell. He had missed Jinyoung so much. Jaebum had to pinch himself to make sure that this Jinyoung was not one of his projections.

Hell, even breathing in the same space as Jinyoung again made Jaebum contend.

Jaebum looks out of the windowsill, watching as Jinyoung waters and tends to his small garden. Joy radiated off Jinyoung in waves, his lips tugged upwards in a genuine smile. Jaebum has not seen Jinyoung this elated and peaceful for a long time.

He used to yearn for this, a simple desire to make Jinyoung happy.

In Jinyoung’s makeshift office, Jaebum sat on the rather Freudian velvet couch. Jinyoung used to help people this way, Jaebum thinks. He felt slightly at ease that at least Jinyoung did not completely lose _himself_.

Maybe only the things that caused him hurt, Jaebum’s inner voice spits bitterly back at him. 

Jinyoung passes a considerable stack of neatly labeled cards to Jaebum, sitting opposite Jaebum with a low wooden table separating them. He clears his throat. 

“You see those cards in your hand?” Jaebum nods. “Arrange them from what is the most true of you to least, for me, will you?” Jinyoung instructs.

On each small, white card, there is a statement typed in neat black font. Jaebum picks up one card and reads it.

 

_‘I am calm.’_

Jaebum slides that card into his own order.

 

_‘I am honest.’_

 

Jaebum gulps. On the outside, he attempts to look as nonchalant as possible while Jinyoung’s eyes are on him. After Jaebum completes the task, Jinyoung hands him another deck of labeled cards.

“Now, arrange these according your _real_ self.”

Jaebum breaks out into a sweat. He feels exposed all of a sudden. Hiding his nervousness, he does as what he is told reluctantly. Jinyoung studies his cards without saying a word, adding to Jaebum’s apprehensiveness.

“Hmm,” Jinyoung notes down the arrangement in his notebook unperturbed by Jaebum’s responses. 

“I guess it’s my turn now.” Jinyoung says, collecting back the cards. He follows through the same actions demonstrated by Jaebum, arranging his own order of cards.

Jinyoung holds up one card, squinting. 

 _‘I trust others easily.’_  

Jaebum observes as Jinyoung hesitates before that card, staring at it for a considerable amount of time. Jinyoung places the card firmly on the table with a shaky breath. 

“I think I get how quickly things can get personal,” Jinyoung chuckles warily.

Subsequently, Jinyoung lays out the two decks of cards to inspect. He frowns, citing the great difference in order of the statements between each deck.

“How is this possible?” Jinyoung murmurs to himself. His earlier expectations of himself had been shattered.

“What does this mean?” Jaebum finally asks. 

“Freud’s psychodynamic approach relates personality to the interplay of conflicting forces. But I wanted to go with Carl Roger’s technique of Q-sort to find out the interpretation and perception of the self.” Jinyoung explains.

Jinyoung points to the first arrangement of cards laid on the table. “When there is a discrepancy between your ideal self,” and points to the second set of cards, “ And your true self, there is a certain level of say, untruths.”

“When you’re confronted with that, you will feel distress. It makes you feel uncomfortable that there is a lapse in your reality of yourself.” Jinyoung leans back into his seat, waving off the idea of what he had just suggested.

 “Why administer this test on me, _Dr Park_?” Jaebum arches his brow.

Dr Park, Jinyoung knows he has heard that before somewhere.

“I just felt like it. Maybe I wanted to know you better.” Jinyoung shrugs.

Jaebum speaks slowly as he looks Jinyoung in the eye, “I think.”

“That, maybe you wanted to test yourself, your own perception of reality. ”

 

-

 

Jaebum gazes at Jinyoung hunched over an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle as he leans against the wooden doorframe with his arms crossed. Limbo was not that bad of a place where he and Jinyoung could build their own world.

But Jaebum knows he cannot stay here forever, no matter how much he wants to live here in this quaint farmhouse with Jinyoung. A Jinyoung who had forgotten about his transgressions, their worn out dying relationship and all the mistakes they had both made.

He could start anew with Jinyoung here.

However, this was not reality. That, was the danger of Limbo.

Jinyoung looks up, feeling eyes on him. Silently, Jaebum crosses over to join him on the floor. Scattered jigsaw pieces litter around as Jinyoung scowls, frustrated by the lack of progress with the puzzle.

Jinyoung cannot see what is in front of him. He could not make out the whole picture while grasping desperately at straws. He refuses to give up or let go of the idea. Once an idea enters the brain, it is impossible to eradicate.

Jaebum picks up the pieces and slots them in place, creating a seeming image. The puzzle was not complete yet but it was now easier to fit the pieces collectively.

“You’ve done this puzzle before?” Jinyoung enquires, unruffled.

Jaebum decides to break it to Jinyoung. Speaking calmly, Jaebum says, “We did this puzzle before. Together.”

Eyes wide with bewilderment, Jinyoung stands up abruptly. He takes a few steps back, putting distance between Jaebum and himself.

“We-we never met before. I know this. This is impossible.” Jinyoung brings his head into his shaking hands.

 Beom hisses from the sofa chair in the corner, hackles raised.

“Who are you, really?” Jinyoung’s voice goes higher, almost hysterical.

“All that I am,” Jaebum replies composed, “is all that you see.” He spreads his palms slowly.

Jaebum approaches Jinyoung like one would with a scared animal, one step at a time. Unhurriedly, Jaebum reaches into his pocket and takes out a ripped photograph with his own smiling face displayed on it.

They had taken this photo in Paris after finishing a job, when they had first fallen in love. Jaebum always loved taking photographs, rolls of film with just images of Jinyoung.

Jinyoung is quick to snatch the ripped photograph off Jaebum’s fingers. He scrambles for the bookshelf, frantically for that particular book. He pushes and flings away the books in his search. Jinyoung almost tears the pages of the book, rapidly flipping through till the photograph innocently drifts down to the ground.

Jinyoung is speechless as his trembling hands piece the complete photograph together.

“This isn’t real, Jinyoung. The fields, Beom, this very room we’re in. It’s not real, just a dream.” Jaebum steps gingerly towards Jinyoung’s crouching form.

“No, no, no.” Jinyoung rocks back and forth, arms wrapped around his knees. 

“A dream within a dream. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it, Jinyoung? Dream sharing accomplished so easily and made use especially for extractions. Dreams are worth gold to thieves like us.”

“You’re lying. I don’t believe it.” Jinyoung covers his ears in a futile attempt but his treacherous mind implores him to listen to the words spewing from Jaebum’s mouth.

Enclosed in a disused white birdcage sat something within Jinyoung that he had locked away, the truth that he once knew but chose to forget. Jaebum had found the birdcage when Jinyoung was away at the fields. 

Yanking the padlock of the birdcage open with pliers, Jaebum forces the cage door open. Cautiously, he retrieves Jinyoung’s totem. Brushing the tips of his fingers across the engraving on the silver triangular pendant, the pendant felt as thought it weighed the world in the his palm.

“Do you dream down here, Jinyoung?” Jaebum bends down, getting on Jinyoung’s level and inching closer to the man. 

Jinyoung cannot help but answer, “No…” 

“When you die in a dream three levels down or before the time prescribed by the sedative, you land here in Limbo.” Jaebum grabs steadily onto Jinyoung’s forearms, looking Jinyoung directly in the eyes.

“You know I’m telling the truth.”

Jaebum presents the pendant to Jinyoung, holding it by the chain as it sways unwavering. Jinyoung’s breath hitches. The silver glint of the pendant reflects in Jinyoung’s dark pupils as he stares hypnotized with a mix of horror. 

Jinyoung’s breathing becomes uneven and his chest heaves erratically. Jaebum’s arms encircle Jinyoung, cradling him as Jinyoung’s body goes slack against Jaebum. Jinyoung buries his head into Jaebum’s shirt and the crook of neck, staining them with the wetness on his cheeks.

“I remember….Bangkok, Los Angeles and Venice.” Jinyoung hiccups, face hidden from Jaebum. “Shanghai, Phnom Penh and Toronto.” Jinyoung’s voice trails off.

Jaebum rests his chin on top of Jinyoung’s head, stroking his arm in circles to reassure him. Jaebum had missed this, just holding Jinyoung in his arms and the warmth radiating from Jinyoung’s body.

“You’re okay, Jinyoung. You’re okay.” Jinyoung sobs even harder, clinging onto Jaebum. Jaebum lays a kiss on Jinyoung’s head.

Taking out a Beretta 92 from his pocket, Jaebum sets it on the floor beside them within Jinyoung’s field of vision.

“Come back to reality, Jinyoung.” Jaebum whispers into Jinyoung’s ear.

 

-

 

A red haired woman once told Jinyoung over a glass of whiskey, “In the world of inhumane reality, there is only one humane sanctuary left.”

“And that is, the dream.”

This was when Jinyoung was in the military, working as the on base psychologist. At that point in time, Jinyoung did not think much of it. The military then was still lying to the outside world, hiding the existence of dream sharing technology.

Of course, Jinyoung had heard whispers of dream sharing on his side of the industry. This untested and possibly illegal idea of exploring the consciousness piqued Jinyoung’s curiosity wildly. Dream sharing held the key to a person’s mind, stepping into one’s preconscious and even, the uncharted waters of the dynamic unconscious.

Freud once said that the interpretation of dreams is the royal road to the knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind. Now, this was all possible with a small device. Fresh out of school, Jinyoung had realized treating patients in the real world was not like what he expected.

What Jinyoung had hoped for was perhaps, something more, and dream sharing had provided that. It opened the doors for Jinyoung to a world that he had no clue before. He was never a big dreamer, neither was he a creative one. 

“Science is nothing but a piece of trash before a profound dream.” Jinyoung recites Paprika’s words.

Dipping into the illegal side of dream sharing, Jinyoung starts running around the globe. This is when he realizes the full extent of her sentiment. There were makeshift clinics in Mombasa and Tijuana where people went to just _dream_. Dreams were their solution, an escape from real life. 

Dreams became their reality 

But there was an error in this thinking. You can never escape the pain, no matter where you choose to hide or repress it. For the pain is always at the back of the mind, hurting like a phantom pain you experience in your body. 

“I just want to be enough for you.” Jinyoung’s voice is calm but his tone pleading. 

“You are enough for me.” Jaebum answers, strained.

Jinyoung searches the dark pools of Jaebum’s eyes. He could find the love for him, but tainted with the lies and deceit that hurt him at the same time. Jinyoung pulls away from Jaebum. 

Remember the good times you both have had, a voice inside urges Jinyoung. 

So Jinyoung does what he does best: he runs. He pushes Jaebum away but inside Jinyoung is screaming for Jaebum to find him, chase after him, to get him back and ground him, to prove his love, to fight for him.

Jinyoung chastises himself for expecting too much from Jaebum. These days, it was fortunate that they were on the same team, or even in the same city. The flighty nature of their jobs meant that they did not spend long periods of time together 

To Jinyoung’s utmost disappointment, Jaebum did not find him.

Who was he before Jaebum? They had been together so long that their identities had melded into each other, each leaving their own traces in each other’s lives and person. Jinyoung began to detest everything ever associated with Jaebum. He had given too much of himself.

He could go back to his old profession, Jinyoung thinks. Not the military, there was a bounty on his head.

Jinyoung tried applying what he had learned in college, helping the public at large instead at a private practice under an alias. Alas, the pain still persisted.

Jinyoung wonders how anyone could return to civilian life after a taste of dream sharing, an irreplaceable experience. Thus, Jinyoung grabbed the next chance he had back into dream sharing after his civilian stint. He joined a new team, one who did not know his relationship with Jaebum and would not tip toe around him alongside the fragments of his relationship.

A house, cottage amongst the golden fields where there is not a single soul for miles. Clear blue skies, surrounded by a lush green forest with red fox or two in sight.

Do you trust him?

 

-

 

Water. Youngjae smashing the glass tank.

Snow. Bambam with the gas mask.

Water. Jackson crashing into a wall.

Plants. Jinyoung seated in the back of the car surrounds by ferns.

Water. Mark lifting his arms from the depths of the river.

 

Jinyoung blinks, eyelashes fluttering against the heavy weight of his eyelids. Eyes unfocused, Jinyoung squints at the bright white light above him. He shifts slightly. His bones felt decades old and his muscles stiff, as though he has slept for long time.

“Hi.” A voice says softly.

From the corner of Jinyoung’s eye, Jaebum appears. Jinyoung parts his lips.

“Hi.” Jinyoung croaks, voice hoarse from disuse and lips dry.

Unbridled joy fills Jinyoung upon the sight of Jaebum. Jinyoung struggles to sit up, face pale and coughing. Jaebum rushes over with a cup of water in hand. Urging Jinyoung upright on the cot, Jaebum’s hand never leaves Jinyoung’s.

Jaebum embraces Jinyoung’s weak body, holding him in a tight grip. Jinyoung’s hair tickles Jaebum’s nose as Jaebum inhales Jinyoung’s scent. This was finally a reality.

Jaebum sighs in relief. Jinyoung’s fingers dig into Jaebum’s back, grounding his mind.

Releasing Jinyoung from his arms, Jaebum knocks onto the surface of the bedside table on Jinyoung’s right. Jinyoung could see Jaebum clearly making that action but he could only hear a low noise. Jinyoung glances at Jaebum, puzzled and searching for an answer. 

“The hearing on your right ear is damaged but you have perfect hearing when we’re dreaming.” Jaebum clarifies.

Jaebum hands Jinyoung his totem, positioning it in Jinyoung’s palm. Jinyoung’s fingers caress the pendant, feeling the indents of the engraved words on its face. This time, it was the right spelling.

Then, it hits Jinyoung. He remembers. He remembers everything. 

The apartment in Limbo was the same one in real life that was the catalyst of the break down of his relationship with Jaebum. It was supposed to be one of their love nests in Seoul but apparently, Jinyoung’s tenancy was interchangeable. 

The traces of Jaebum’s infidelity scattered like breadcrumbs for Jinyoung to pick up and piece together. No wonder destroying the apartment in Limbo felt oddly cathartic to Jinyoung.

Boiling rage simmers under Jinyoung’s skin, his lips quivers and teeth grind. Jinyoung instinctively flinches away from Jaebum’s touch, as though burned. Jinyoung’s stomach drops and he feels sick.

“I remember…” Jinyoung lowers his eyes from Jaebum’s confusion.

Jinyoung shifts to the other end of the cot, putting distance between him and Jaebum. “I forgive you.” The words do not fall out easily of Jinyoung’s mouth.

Jinyoung takes a deep breath. “But, I didn’t forget.” 

Jaebum’s answering silence infuriates Jinyoung even more.

“Are you still fucking her?” Jinyoung glares daggers at Jaebum.

“I’m not. Trust me.”

“Please.”

It seemed like this was just a movie playing in the theater of Jinyoung’s mind and he was at the screening. Maybe if Jaebum wanted him instead, except Jinyoung did not want him anymore. Maybe Jinyoung had fell in love with everything he should have ignored from the start.

Jinyoung feels the droplets gather at the corner of his eyes and he shuts his eyes.

“I don’t want to see you.” 

Jinyoung hates Jaebum to seeing him like this, vulnerable and a weak crying mess.

“Jinyoung, please. I went down to Limbo.”

 _For you_.

It goes unspoken in the air.

The matter of the toxic cycle of gradually picking up and dealing back the same awful actions and habits affects Jinyoung so much. The feedback in the cycle is always stronger and harder each time. Ultimately, it suffocates and chokes him.

“Even in my dreams, I didn’t trust you.” Jinyoung barks out an ugly laugh.

Jaebum scowls at the jarring laughter. From the start, he had only wished for Jinyoung’s happiness. Yet, the truth of the situation was a bitter pill to swallow.

Jinyoung just wanted to escape the pain from this horrible reality. He had tried to hide the pain in the bottle, in those pills but he always came back the real world each time he woke up.

Jaebum finally leaves the room after Jinyoung stubbornly ignores him. Jinyoung lets out the breath he had been holding and tension eases out of his posture. His death instincts had beckoned him, the way Thanatos had whispered lovingly into his ear to take the pain and grief away was ever so tempting.

Jinyoung stumbles over to grimy sink with unsteady footing. Gripping the basin, Jinyoung stares straight into his reflection in the dirty mirror. A cold, hard gaze greets him. He brushes a hand through his unwashed mop.

A person can never truly own another, Jinyoung tells himself. He thought that verbalizing this would at least convince him of the statement. 

Detached and blood shot eyes stare at Jinyoung. He cracks up again, this time colored with a thousand conflicted emotions and raw pain bleeding through. 

Now, he has to face reality.

-

 

“Mark told me.” Jinyoung greets Jaebum’s presence in the room although his eyes never leave his book.

“What did he say?” Frustration tinges Jaebum’s voice.

“That I was your shade.” Jinyoung flips a page.

“Projections of me running around client missions. That’s crazy. Isn’t the esteemed Im Jaebum one of the most professional people in the business?”

“Not since you left.” Jaebum admits quietly.

Jinyoung puts down the novel, meeting Jaebum’s eyes.

“Did you have projections of her too?” Jinyoung sneers, voice full of poison.

“At least they, the projections, listened to me. They didn’t ignore me.” Jaebum spars back.

Jinyoung looks away.

“But I’m ready to fix this if you are.” Jaebum’s eyes teem with sincerity and passion.

There is a sudden knot in Jinyoung’s throat. He had missed the fire in Jaebum’s eyes. Reconciliation is never easy, to ignite dying embers that could extinguish any time. It was akin to walking over broken glass, attempting to repair the damage while blood seeps through your palms. 

“Can I hold your hand?” 

Jinyoung stays still.

“Properly, this time. I haven’t held your hand in a long time.” Jaebum persists. He needs to be the bigger person right now, to admit defeat and take the first step.

Jinyoung offers a limp hand that Jaebum takes and immediately entwines Jinyoung’s fingers with his. Jinyoung notes how good the warmth of Jaebum’s palm feels and how well their fingers fit into each other in sync, perfectly matched.

Jaebum’s other arm creeps around Jinyoung and Jinyoung soon finds himself in an embrace. Jinyoung stiffens in his arms, then relaxes and returns the hug. Overwhelmed by the simple touch, Jinyoung wonders if he could ever refuse Jaebum.

They were two sides of the coin, tied to each other inexplictly. Jinyoung does not know if he can let go after all.

**Author's Note:**

> * catch the flight log trilogy trailer + mv references   
> *the farmhouse is from the today, tomorrow mv :>  
> * red haired lady = paprika  
> *yes, cats CAN eat strawberries 
> 
> -
> 
> im on twitter @bloodirises


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